Yeshua

It’s another late night where sleep doesn’t seem to want to come... In all honesty, I have been scrolling through social media, watching different clips in hopes some form of inspiration hits for the blog I am supposed to release tomorrow or for the project I am launching on Friday (yes this is the blog post I am speaking about). 

I have seen moments of worship, funny Fortnite clips (yes, I am a Fortnite gamer), ASMR product packing videos, and videos of people crafting. My algorithm is all over the place, but it works for me. The last video I came across made me sit up and turn back on the bedside lamp. It was a gentleman beginning to sing but what struck me was the words he spoke before he sang, “I have nothing to prove to you, me and wife just love God.” Just the words alone sent something through me that made me linger just a little, and then he began to sing, “I said Yes, Lord, yes.”  There was an instant pain in my neck. It was time to wake up and write. Usually when I release a blog post its without plan and when I am going through or have come through something. There is never a planned release date, title, or topic.

Last week Tuesday during my therapy session (yes I am in therapy, totally not ashamed) I was sharing the upcoming plans for the business and how I wanted the blog to be a regular occurrence and I started to share what I thought I would right about and as I was yapping away I heard ‘Surrender’ and I said to the therapist, I think I found my new title. The session ended and I spent the next few days trying to figure out what I would say and what angle I would right from (don’t worry I do catch the irony of my trying to control and figure out how I am going to write about surrendering, lol). I eventually started to look for a new subject or title because I just could not get anything.

This week started off dark, the weekend was strange for me. I felt off in way that I could not make sense off, I was off but okay. It was dark but I felt fine. There were things coming at me from all angles and I could not dodge or even protect myself from them, but I was oddly okay. As Monday began, I was excited and anxious for what the week plans held, there was a sense of vulnerability that was floating around but I kept talking myself beyond it. As Monday afternoon set in things started to feel heavy, like I was carrying around all the weights of the decisions I had made for my entire life (43 years work of weights) plus I was standing in quicksand. I tried to go to my usual methods of calming, grounding, and releasing and nothing was helping. I tried to talk to God, but I was in panic mode, I was sinking and needed help. I needed a person. I tired to reach out to people I thought could help me press through but none of them answered. Then I had the scariest thoughts ever, why I am fighting this. My body was weak, my mind tired, my spirit weighed. I sat in silence and prayed, God, I need you. I was still scrolling through my phone looking for someone that I could trust to listen and not judge or try to dictate what I should do next. So annoying when people try to dictate your life, trap you in their limited box, and attempt to order your steps with “just do” statements yet they have not walked an inch let alone a mile in your shoes. Well, let me drop this little nugget here for you, the ONLY being who knows where you are going and the purpose behind journey is the Almighty God, ONLY HE can order your steps, so when someone is trying to do God’s job, I give you permission to tell that person just as Jesus had silence Peter, ‘Get The Behind Me satan”. No, this is not calling the person satan, but it is recognizing that what they are doing a distraction from satan, so silence him. Honestly sometimes people just need an ear, I am someone that needs to talk myself through things (or write). Okay back to where I was, a name popped up, I wasn’t sure if the number was right (it was!) and I asked if I could call and they said yes... 3 hours later I had talked myself through and hung up with a plan for Tuesday... Disconnect and spend the day in Gods presence. And honestly y’all.... oh!!! what a day it was!! I turned off my phone, laptop, computer, iPad... no Fortnite. I turned on my worship playlist on YouTube which stayed on all day, and it was the most peaceful and productive day. I remembered who I am (Who God said I am), where I am going, and why I am pursuing what I am. It was during that 3 hour call and the silence of the next day that I realized, I was carrying negative feelings from a message I got (a few days before) from someone who calls me a failure, calls my business a failure, and has spoken about me with harsh negativity, and the message was this person’s attempt to control and dictate (DISTRACT!!) the steps in MY (yup I had to caps that because I need to make sure that its understood that this is MY) God-given life. It enraged me. It was a demonic distraction sent to pull me away from what I was launching on Monday. It was during this time that I realized the weight I was carrying and being weighed down were not all placed by me, they were weights of expectations from people who I have put in a position over me (that has been something I have working through releasing and passing those weights back to those people and providing them with new positions even if it means removal, I was triggered... But God).

Oh, listen to me y’all, if you do not think the devil will send distractions like that, let me clarify... That one message almost sent me off... But God. When I needed a person, He sent the right one and within the conversation He was able to reach me and pull me back. I launched what was supposed to launch Monday morning, late that night (I celebrated because it got done). I felt so vulnerable doing so but it is my current assignment, just like this blog and the new venture launching on Friday.

During my disconnected day, I found myself being realigned with my Father, my Saviour, my Friend. I felt the weight begin to lift slightly and while I may have still been in the quicksand, I didn’t feel so afraid. I welcomed the anchoring because I knew that where and who I was being anchored to is the greatest power of all, God.  I came across a song that literally gave me goosebumps while sitting at the sewing machine, Yeshua, the song was so beautiful, I looked it up and found that it is the Hebrew-Aramaic name for Jesus, so that song is literally calling on the name of Jesus over and over. It was in that moment I had to get up from the sewing machine and just thank God. Thank Him for positioning of people, for exposing others, for providing a person when I couldn’t just sit with Him and talk myself through. I was at a place where I had nothing, and I didn’t want to talk to Him, I still sought the help of a person, and instead of turning away, or leaving me to carry on my own, He placed someone’s name in front of me, gave them 3 hours to hear me and then gave me space to rest after posting a video that left me feeling vulnerable (like crazy vulnerable). My prayer today thanked God for remaining especially because I gave Him no reason to.

Life is full of distractions; I call it noise. Everyone has an opinion (mind you that is the beauty of each person being different) and we are in age where we think that our opinions are facts and should be honored as though they are. We tend to want to ‘comment’ on people’s choices, judge their lives, and dictate their steps. If you ever hear me, say it is too loud or noisy just know I am talking about distractions. It is so strange because I feel like I have no energy to care about what someone is out there doing enough to ‘comment’ because managing my own life is like having multiple full-time jobs. Father God, when thinking of all the lives you are guiding, protecting, and providing for at this very moment I hear the phrase, How Great is Our God, and the truth is. I will never fully comprehend, and I don’t want or need to. What He has done in my life alone is deserving enough of my praise, worship, and adoration.

So, I ask you, what does surrendering look like? Is it Giving God space and place to be God?

Be You. Your creation was designed and performed by perfection (God), if we choose to walk in our God-given purpose, we can never go wrong. Always remember that He is there, quietly moving, quietly protecting, quietly providing, quietly silencing distractions, quietly transforming. Thank Him. Give Him space to be and do all His word says. Be Present.

Love Ya!