My Life is Not My Own
My Life is Not My Own...
Over the last two years I have been on a journey of reading the Bible, from Genesis forward. Reading the scriptures for myself and letting God’s words speak to me. I was given a daily reading guide by my aunt which has been super helpful in keeping me on track, but I will be honest and admit that there have been days, sometimes weeks where distractions did deter me from reading, but I always came back especially in times of uncertainty. What I have found through the scripture readings was that no matter what I was going through the scriptures I read provided some guidance, insight, and inspiration. So, lets dive right into what I am here to talk about today...
I am currently in the New Testament and have begun the book of Luke, and yes, I am on fire with what I am reading. But what has been on my heart and what I am here to share with you today is Mark 14:36, Mark 14:39, Mark 14:41, here Jesus is going to pray to God before His crucifixion. Jesus, son of God wrestled with His assignment. In these scriptures He first acknowledged that everything is possible for God, then he requests ‘take this cup from me’ but what really sat with me was what He said next, ‘Yet not what I will but what You will’. I started to remember the song, ‘my life is not my own, to Him I belong, I give myself away’. When accepting Christ as my Savior, I also accepted God as my Father and the head of my life. In that moment I gave my life over to Him. As I read the Bible I learned that my creation was perfect because I was formed by the one and only perfect being, God. This means that once I accepted Him as my creator, father, and head my life was no longer mine and that I was now on the journey I was created for. Purpose. Who I am in Christ is not a mistake. I have purpose. God is not the God of mistakes.
If you don’t know (most do), I quit my job at a local bank in December 2023, for so many reasons but the biggest reason was because my health was declining and I literally felt like I only had two ways out and dropping dead while working for that company was not an option. Since then, it has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, swerves and pivots. I have had really high moments and really dark, scary ones. I have applied for jobs non-stop (no success) and have tried to get my small handmade business off the ground as a means of sustaining myself (hence the number of pivots) but could never seem to hit that entrepreneurial sweet spot. After reading these scriptures in the book of Mark recently I realized that if it is God’s will to remove this cup then He would have. Even if it wasn’t my plan to, He would have made it so because all things are possible with Him. So, I started to look at my situations, my circumstances, and my journey differently. I started to see my purpose differently. My life is not my own.
This journey of losing literally everything I believed mattered, struggling to keep the lights on, struggling to created meals with the few groceries I have, this journey of begging different agencies for help, having to admit to people the harsh reality of how I am living was not about or for me. Purpose is not always pretty, look at the prophets in the Bible, the disciples, Jesus, purpose does not come without pain, ridicule, and moments of breaking, but we do not experience these for our benefit but for a purpose greater than our human understanding. I am writing about this today because I have come to realize that I am not in this because I am being punished by God (yup I was actually told this) but because I am being prepared and most of all I am being positioned. There is someone/s who will see or hear my story and know that there is a Savior, there is way and they will seek Christ and God for themselves. That is my purpose as a Christian, to love all and live a life that leads others to the Savior.
Why did I feel shame at my circumstance, shame at the fact that I haven’t been successful at finding work, blaming myself for these things when my God is greater than any circumstance and can make an adjustment in a moment... While in the hospital last September, yup my little stay-cation, God showed me some things about myself and what I could do with my gifts and talents and how together with Him I can create a space for people who were in similar circumstances, whether health, financial, relational, spiritual, or mental to come and be able to disconnect and find peace, presence and create for the purpose of healing. I was fired up, told all I could about this plan to use my story to support, encourage and inspire others. I started working on the plan, always in consultation with God and seeking guidance and confirmation. Then things got difficult, it got silent, the plans weren’t going as I had imagined and I slowed down. I got distracted. And what was those distractions, hmm let’s see, the negative comments from a family member, the disbelief that I am ‘good enough’ to execute such a plan, being told that I would need to ‘let someone else be the face’... oh so many opinions... what a huge distraction (and sometimes painful realization).
When John 10:10 speaks of the ‘the thief’ and that ‘he comes to steal and kill and destroy’ what could this possibly be speaking about... I doubt satan coming for my tv or to kill my goldfish and destroy my phone, but what is his ultimate goal, to get us all to turn away from God as he did. So, the stealing and killing and destroying isn’t materialistic but its stealing attention, killing confidence, destroying belief and what’s the best way to do this by strategically placing distractions in our path. Distractions that will lead us away from where we are meant to be, but I have found that if I immediately stop, get silent and connect with God there is a form of renewal, a spark, hope.
I am not writing this from a position of authority, with a full understanding of what living the life God desires or even stating that I am a model Christian, but I am writing this as this is my experience. It’s what I have come to realize about myself and my creator. And as my purpose is not for me, it is for someone else. I am launching the creative space, The Chrysalis, because I believe there are others who are in breaking, messy, transformative circumstances who are in need of a safe space for healing and God has led me to create that. Just thinking that God created the butterfly which goes through stages of transformation because he knew that it would be a source of inspiration for us humans to endure the caterpillar season but also thrive through the chrysalis stage. Yes, y’all I recently discovered that moths have cocoons and butterflies have a chrysalis... *insert mind blown emoji*. Go google it (if your anything like me you will).
This week, as I sat struggling to understand why I am in this situation, why hasn’t employment come, why hasn’t the resources arrived it dawned on me a bigger question, am I supposed to have these things. The God I serve tells me that through Him all things are possible but as Jesus stated in those scriptures in Mark, Yet not as I will but as Your will. If God wanted to remove me from this circumstance it would already be so. But my story is one where when asked, ‘how have you made it 2.5 years without employment?’ my only answer is ‘ONLY GOD’ and that is my purpose. To show that one person who is in a space of doubt, despair, and on the edge of giving up that there is a source unlike any other and that instead of looking to earthly places for a resource you need only lean on THE SOURCE and that is GOD. Some will try to make my circumstance about them and how they have ‘had to help’, and that used to really distract me, always feeling like a burden, but now I smile because I know that my Father has provided a resource (most times the most unlikely one) to bless me. Hello, hi, He sent ravens to feed Elijah, you think He can’t send a hater to feed you... *My God is Awesome.... Awesome* (yup sang that in my head).
Purpose isn’t pretty. Purpose isn’t easy, Transformation is only possible when things are allowed to break and letting go is possible. Prayer is necessary but understanding is also required. Silence is golden. Miracles are possible. Connection is key. Jesus prayed 3 times for God to remove ‘this cup’, three times He wrestled with His purpose, but He also understood that His life was not His own and His purpose was not for Himself but for others. What if He turned away from His purpose... My life is not my own and I am not in this because of some mistake in my creation or because God is displeased as I have been told, I am in this so that others may see that even in the darkest and most difficult of circumstances God is still here. That even when you want to give up and pray like Elijah and a few others who tapped into God’s purpose for their lives, to have their lives ended, God’s will is greater and the gift of a new day is another opportunity to turn to Him.
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26 NIV