My Choice
My Choice...
As I sit here just days away from the year mark on when I made the biggest, bravest and probably the riskiest (or as some might call it, the stupidest) choice in my life, I have no regrets.
The last year has been one of lessons upon lessons and blessings upon blessings. Every time I thought that things couldn’t get any worse, I was immediately proven wrong. Every time I thought that I couldn’t sink any lower, I found myself being thrust deeper and deeper.
...But GOD!
I don’t make that statement light heartedly, or as some cliche’. I make that statement because I know that there is no way I am still here, alive and smiling through any other means. There is no way I am still breathing, but GOD (periodt). I have seen rock bottom and the bottom of the rock at rock bottom. Many times, I have felt like I am the bottom that the rock at rock bottom is on. I have experienced things that I never imagined I would ever experience. I have experienced grief that has left me feeling empty, like a void. I have given up on myself and my business more times than I can count. I have felt like Elijah under that brush, I have uttered the words he uttered. I have closed my eyes not knowing or expecting them to open. I have closed my eyes some nights not wanting them to open because of what was coming the next day or for fear or having to go one more day in the situation I was in. I have and sometimes still feel like a failure in God’s eyes, like an abomination. I have felt like a burden to my family and the few remaining friends I have.
... But GOD!
The biggest thing I recently realized is that through all the ‘lessons’ this year, I am a better person. I have taken steps to heal from past pains, I have spent time (because I had no choice) learning who I am. I have been placed in some the most humbling situations and have been receptive to let the experience humble me and not harden me. I have leaned more on The Lord for friendship and guidance because there was no one else there when I called out. I am no longer under any substance influence, I no longer want to drink or smoke cigarettes, which started a few years ago, but even through all (and I mean ALL) the difficulties this year, I didn’t need them or want them. I am a better version of Shaneeka. Not all the way healed, better or fixed, but I am better than who I was.
The choice to walk away from 15 years of employment was not done easily... honestly, I spent most of those 15 years waiting for redundancy. I was constantly praying for it over the last 2 years. I have had people tell me why I made my choice but very few have asked, so here is a little context and insights into why I chose ME or a company.
In 2011, I was diagnosed with Anti-GBM Disease at Brigham & Womens Hospital in Boston, which resulted in the immediate loss of function in both of my kidneys. I was placed on dialysis right away and started treatments 3 times a week for 4 hours. I was also given plasmapheresis 3 times a week for 3 weeks. After the 9 courses of plasmapheresis the doctors were not too optimistic with the outcome. I was told I had 6-9 months to live. I think back to that time, and I don’t know how I was able to hear news like that and not spiral out or completely break down. I was given a course of medications which included an oral form of chemotherapy and was told to avoid any and all things that can cause my situation to get worse (I had to avoid going to gas stations because of the fumes, things like that). Yup, I was in quarantining way back then, before it became cool and the ‘new normal’.
I remember speaking to a pastor and asking, “why me?” to which he responded, “why not you?” I ain’ t gonna lie (yup had to get real Bermy right there), I was annoyed at that response because I wanted to hear some profound reason why at just 29 years old, I had to loose both kidneys, placed on oral chemo and was told that the likely hood of me having children was very slim and in 6-9 months I may die. I wanted to hear something like “because God has something great in store for you” or “the devil always attacks God’s greatest warriors”, but nope, he asked me “why not you?”. A few weeks later, I recall looking at my family, my brother and sisters with their children, and how their children were now having children... I would never wish this on any of them, so I became somewhat glad that it did land on me.
Now I think of that question a little different, “why not me?” and I guess when we are met with difficulties especially after dealing with previous hardships or difficult situations, it’s natural to feel like we should be never having to face hardships or difficulties anymore and God should throw some of those battles to those who seem to have life much easier. So why not me, what makes me so much better than the next? What makes me so much higher that I don’t deserve hardships. Job was a faithful servant of God and God told the devil “Have you considered my servant Job?”. And I know I have nowhere near the faith or patience of Job (yet). But when sitting in the silence and emptiness this last year has had in me in, I can see that everything has led me to the place I am in today, and I thank you, God, for being a guiding light even when I was blind. For being a listening ear even when I didn’t speak. For being presence in the void.
Anyway, back to the choice... From the moment I returned home and back to work (yup I returned during the 6-9 months ‘sentence’) I felt the need to act like what I was going through wasn’t a big deal, I worked hard to minimize its effects on my day-to-day work functions. I worked harder and gave as much time as I could to make up for when I wasn’t around (at dialysis or out sick). Now mind you I am a great worker; I always give 100+%. When I first returned, I had a manager who knew what I was going through and was very kind a supportive, after I was switched to another manager and that’s when things began to change. If I called in sick I would be questioned if I was faking and using my illness to my advantage, comments would be made about my time away from the office getting treatments, it was very odd. Slowly I found myself making my illness as small as possible, working through feeling ill and in pain. Pushing my body beyond what it could manage. I found myself working harder and harder for approval that I never received. I was working so hard so I could be a typical employee and treated as such.
After I few years of that manager, a new manager was thrust over my department who instantly singled me out (something I never understood). This manager was not kind at all. Things became so bad under this manager that my doctor had to intervene on my behalf and contacted my employers Human Resource Dept. An investigation began but during that time I was gifted a kidney transplant which had me out of the office for months and there was a shift in the HR dept. The investigation ended and I was advised that they saw no evidence of wrongdoing (a real case of who you are decides how you get treated). Things became so bad and bleak especially prior to 2020 and once the Pandemic hit it seems as there were no rules. Due to my medical conditions, I was forced to self-isolate which meant I had to work from home, which I offered to do without any hesitation. Dear companies, your staff didn’t create the pandemic, and you should celebrate the fact that they worked from home when the country was in lock down, I can guarantee it was not in their job description to do so (I know it wasn’t in mine, cause some staff declined and didn’t have to work). Sorry I had to say that. This seem to spark a whole new level of ‘your health is an issue’ complaints. It was so inconsiderate to make statements like that. I was doing my job and doing it well.
I want to interject here to say, please stop comparing someone’s medical conditions, treatments, reactions, etc., to someone else’s. Every person was created uniquely different in all ways and what someone may go through another may not. Yes, I was and still am met with comments like “well so and so is on dialysis or had a transplant and they blah blah blah...”. I am not so and so, and their journey and experience are theirs, it's not mine.
Okay back to the story... things started to become very dark. I was already dealing with so much feeling isolated and alone, the fear that every cough was going to be the end, realizing that my life would never be the same again. What most don’t know because firstly, it's not something I feel I needed to always share and secondly no one ever asked, when I got sick, they were very worried about my lungs as the disease I had, and at the stage of that disease I was in came with lungs which will bleed out, so yes that fear came back during the pandemic. So, lets travel through the world of imagination with me and deal with being isolated, having to monitor my health even more than usual, then having your job management make statements like you working from home is an issue, or not allowing you to receive gifts given to staff because I worked from, excluding me from meetings, etc. All because I contracted a disease and became chronically ill (not something I asked for). Every day was a struggle. I was dealing with so much and trying to manage it all on my own. After 15 years I was only making an entrance salary wage, and my finances were in trouble. When I enquired about a raise, I was told, “maybe you have gone as far as you can go here, and you should look for work elsewhere.” That was such a telling statement. It opened my eyes to the fact that, I could do extraordinary work, I was not, and I will never be of any value at the company. It also opened my eyes to the bleak reality that this was not just my right now, but this was my future, I was never going to be any more and go any further that where I was. Things became very dark. I began to question myself, “what’s the point?”. I began to have thoughts that are not good. I started to believe that I survived that 6-9month death sentence for the sole purpose of punishment. That God hated me, that’s why all that every bad thing in my life had happened. Nope, not just speaking of illness or a toxic job. I have been through a lot in my 42 nearly 43 years.
The week I finally made the decision, starts on Sunday when I turned on a live service from Change Church in Atlanta, as soon as I joined the head pastor, Pastor Dharius said, “you are looking for confirmation that you are to leave, this is it(he said a lot more in that prophetic moment but this is already long enough) It’s your time to go.” I remembered just crying and crying because as much as I knew it was for me, I still managed to find every reason to say that it wasn’t.
Monday starts with emails and calls stating that if I don’t return to the office my job would be in jeopardy, emails stating that my management had finger crossed or high hopes (can’t remember the exact phase) that I would come back in the office, requests to speak with my medical care team so they can convince them that its safe for me to return to the office. It was back and forth, and I felt my stress levels rising to a point where I wasn’t sleeping, my focus was off, my vison was blurry and the pain I had been feeling in my chest (yup kept that to myself) was at a point where I was scared. I thought of my dad every moment of every day. I visited his grave so much because I needed to hear his voice. I visited my Mamar’s grave, and I went and visited my other relatives' graves because I was scared and thought that I didn’t have long left. I thought I was having a heart attack. While sitting at Holy Trinity Graveyard, the final resting place for my entire family I reflected on a few things, my last conversation with my aunt who told me to quit my job because they don’t appreciate me, which was so crazy because I don’t ever recall telling her about my job. I thought about the sudden and unexpected passing of my cousins, I thought of the last conversations with my dad and the conversations we had had over the years about my job and the way they treated me. With all the back and forth, my final email message was on Tuesday, where I said I will let them know a decision on Thursday of that same week. It was at that moment, when I wrote that email and hit send that I knew that my time at this company was over. It was at that moment that I CHOSE ME! Finally!
In the last year, the choice I made as resulted in me having to endure “hell”, and my choice has resulted in members of my family having to help (even though reluctantly) and enduring undeserving stress, I am a better person for making the choice. I experienced a tragic loss and unbelievable hardships, criticisms, and judgements but I know that I am better for it. I watched and listened as people talked about my choice and sat themselves of high pedestals and looked down on me because I have been going through severe financial hardships, but I can say without any doubt that my choice has been the biggest blessing to me on levels beyond materialistic things, and I am better because of it. The pain in the chest stopped, my needing to visit the emergency room has stopped, I no longer need substances (if you can’t remember what substances, just scroll up, don’t make up some) to cope. I am so much better for it.
Recently, I was watching a sermon with FCOG where Bishop Lambe spoke about celebrating the emptiness and in the emptiness, and I knew God was confirming somethings for me in that message because I was empty in more ways than one. I had no funds, I was alone, I had no plan/s, I had no food, I had (still) an injured arm so couldn’t do much work, BUT I was good. I smiled. I woke up and thanked God for another day and I did what I could. Soon after that message, I realized that sometimes we must be emptied so we can be filled with God because even in the empty there is God. He is omnipresent. For the last few months, I had been struggling with ‘giving it to God and leave it’, but today (I am typing this portion of this message a year from the date I gave my notice) I realize that I struggled giving little tasks and little issues to God because I had already given him full control of my life. So, while I was trying to give something small to Him, He already had it. I had given Him the keys to my life a year ago. “Lord, take the wheel and drive!”
So that’s my story behind MY Choice. I hope it inspires someone. I hope it answers questions (nosy folk looking for gossip). I hope it is the testament I wanted it to be. I had to be emptied because the noise surrounding me was stopping me from hearing God. I pray every day that God will bless all those who my life touches and I pray that God will bless all those who this story reaches. In the name of Jesus, Amen.
Stay Awesome, Stay Beautiful, Stay Blessed & Stay Safe,
Love you
Nks