Is Anybody Out There?

For the past 2 years I have dreaded the end of every month. Why you may ask, well it’s because every month at the end I am having to face that once again, I did not meet my obligations. It became a time of complete breaking and despair. It is also at this time that I feel most alone because as I look around, I find no one, I am in this circumstance all alone. I find myself wondering repeatedly, is anybody out there?

This month was different, there was progress, it wasn’t huge progress, but it was progress. I wasn’t able to meet all my obligations 100% but I was able to meet them at about 1%. I was so happy about this because it showed forward projection, it showed movement in the right direction. It gave me hope that I could keep going... then just like that the rug was pulled from under me, and I was face first in the mud, again.

I was shown that while I may have seen progress those around me still saw “a burden”, “a problem”, “failure”. I began to see that no matter what some people will only see you in a negative light and it usually is the people who are supposed to be the ‘support’. Let’s be real and talk about it... it’s always from the people who are supposed to be your cheerleaders that you receive the most ‘hate’ and criticisms. And people refuse to believe the Bible when it says that this is a sinful world, sigh. We are so accustomed to the negative and toxic that it has become normal and accepted. I don’t accept it. Never understood it. I guess that is why it is so lonely out here.

The lonely isn’t a great feeling either, yes most of my blogs come from a place of pain and showcasing the transformation God is working on the inside of me but please note that by the time I write them I am finally seeing the God-light. This one comes through tears of frustration and from a place of pure vulnerability. I realized today that even though I know that I am the perfect creation of God and my purpose is solely for His Kingdom, that my path is predestined by God and it is only for me, I was still tap dancing and trying to force others to see that change in me, understand the mission, and support the journey and honestly after many voice notes back and forth yesterday with someone and being met today with “hope your feeling better today”, my brain crashed. I wanted to scream, I’m honestly not sure if I didn’t, but overall, I broke because it was at that moment that I realized that no matter what they will only see me as they always have, less.

I am shaking even thinking about it, but God is working and moving even in this moment... a year ago, that would have sent me into a huge weeklong spiral of negativity and self hatred. I would have questioned my existence and would have questioned why God wouldn’t just remove me from this life. Today through the breaking, crying, and shaking I hit a wall, it said ENOUGH. I was at the end of that situation, and it had been enough. If they want to be blind to who and how I am, then that is on them, not me. But maybe God is keeping me hidden from them...hmmm... covered... protected. Maybe this is the protection I have been praying for, God never works the way I expect but it is always exactly what I need. Yes, I am smiling right now through the tears because my God is awesome (singing loud in my head). This is my spiritual PIVOT, I was on the journey, on the path but I was creating a lane God did not so he sent a wall to tell me that it is ENOUGH and I had to make a choice to either pivot back to the path prepared by the Most High or climb that wall and continue fighting a battle that was sent by the enemy. PIVOT!!!!

Do I blame the ‘haters’ and the ‘anti-cheerleaders’, nope, just as Jesus forgave those who crucified Him, I know I must forgive and continue on the journey God has prepared for me. Does my forgiveness mean that they have the same access to ‘hate’, nope, they can hate on the sidelines because I am pressing on.  Forgiveness frees me from the bondage of the negativity that situation holds, it doesn’t mean I have absolved their wrong doings, forgiveness is also for me to acknowledge my wrong in the situation, that I created that additional lane on the God-path which allowed the enemy to use those ‘haters’. Forgiveness frees.

God’s purpose journey is an individual journey, and it may be very lonely at times, that is why alignment with God is necessary. That alignment is what allows me to stand back up after being knocked down, the alignment allows me to write these blogs even through the tears and shaking. The alignment is what quickly fills the voids and silences the noise when emptiness and distractions start to weigh. That alignment saves. Heals. Protects.

So while, there may be times when I ask, is anybody out there, and more ‘hating’ comes my way from places and people who are meant to be support, I must stop and evaluate, have I once again created a separate lane on the God-path and do I need to perform a re-alignment or spiritual pivot. There may not be a ‘body’ out there but there is a spirit and its the Holy Spirit. I must trust that God will provide all my needs including the support and necessary resources that will more than likely come from sources and people I never expected and take comfort and find peace in His guidance.