Dear God,

Dear God, I just don’t understand…

I have written that as the opening line to many prayers over the last year and have said it out
loud more times than I can even begin to count. Dear God, I just don’t understand… The
last year of my life has been filled with a roller coaster of highs and lows, the highs were
extremely high, and the lows were devastatingly low, but I was always left to repeat over
and over, Dear God, I just don’t understand…
The unexplainable loss of loved ones, the constant battling of my health, being bullied and mistreated by my previous employers, friendships ending, really feeling the struggles of running my own business to the birth of the happiest ‘lil’ guy ever that just lights up any
space, expanding my business, taking a leap into being a full-time entrepreneur, and
celebrating another year of life.
Starting a new year, I expected that things would begin to even out, yes, I understand that
life is full of highs and lows, but I expected the transition through these wouldn’t be as
extreme as last year. It’s only day 26 and I found myself screaming yesterday, Dear God! I
just don’t understand!!! I keep hearing the Kirk Franklin song in my head, ‘he will never put
more on me than I can bear” and I wonder if God has me mistaken with someone a lot stronger than I am. PD (Pastor Dharius) said in one sermon that God sees something in us that we can’t see ourselves… uggghhh PD always comes with the perfect thing to shut my thoughts up. But how can I tell God that I am full-up right now and need a reprieve (I guess that wouldn’t be the best word for what is happening but at this moment, it fits). How can I tell The Father that I need a little hill right now…
Okay now my mind maybe be going too deep but who determined that the hill is the high
and the valley the low? Hills must be climbed. The higher the hill the harder the climb. The
valley can be reached by going to one side of the hill, sitting down, and letting gravity do its
thing. Maybe my thinking has been off and reaching the peak of a hill and getting to the
point where I can sit and slide freely, feeling the breeze on my face and the earth beneath
me is the good parts and the climb is the real struggle? Maybe I’m struggling more than
others (my view of course) because I’m choosing to keep climbing so I can have that
wonderful experience of the ride down. Maybe we were trained to believe that the top of the
hill is the high point because its ‘closer to God’ and the ‘closer to God’ we are the better. I
have been taught that God is everywhere and in everything, he is in the hills and the valleys,
the breeze on our face and the earth beneath, the rocks we grasp onto as we make way up,
the sun on glaring our vision.
Dear God, Am I going through this because I refuse to remain stagnant, to settle? Am I
experiencing highs and lows because I am constantly outgrowing who I am and becoming
better versions of myself? Dear God, I may never understand, but I ask that you always hold my hand, be my guide as I climb and the carpet on which I slide. Be the breeze on my face and the wind at my back.

Amen, S.